Thought this was a well-known fact, but was just having a discussion with my roommate Sasha and a friend of hers, and they were surprised when I told them that straight men don’t really talk very much about sex. Like, men will talk extensively about women: which which women are attractive and which they’d like to bang and etc. etc. But rarely with specifics.

I have had a few conversations with men about having sex with women (usually about going down on a woman, actually, since that’s definitely an act that’s complicated and mysterious enough that men feel tempted to seek out a little advice from other guys). However, these conversations always involved large amounts of liquor and usually left us feeling awkward and estranged from each other. Whereas, on the other hand, I’ve had plenty of perfectly pleasant conversations with women (and queer men) about where they’ve discussed their desires and preferences in general terms and/or spilled intimate details about recent sexual encounters.

And there’s a pretty simple reason for this discrepancy. It’s not because men are repressed or because male friendships aren’t strong enough. It’s because sexual performance is a status issue for straight men in a way that it’s not for women. If a man confesses to having questions or confusions or other issues regarding sex, then he loses status in other men’s eyes. For instance, in these conversations about oral sex, there was a very clear and uncomfortable implication that the guys who knew more about it were better–not just better at sex, but better as men–than the guys who didn’t. Hence the cone of silence.

So there it is ladies. If you did something embarrassing or shameful or disgusting while you were having sexual intercourse with a man, then it’s okay, because it’s more likely than not that your man never told a soul.