I’ve never been able to get a super-clear read on my own sexual orientation, and that’s just how it is sometimes.

11queerbadge_400Same-sex attraction certainly exists. And it’s probably biological. But, in some ways, the existential life of the individual queer person would be easier if it wasn’t a question of biology, because then it would just be a question of taste and could be interrogated as such. We have plenty of tools for analyzing questions of taste: straight men know exactly how to say that they prefer one kind of woman to another kind of woman, and, while we don’t think of those preferences as being biological (though they might be, to some extent), we accept them as real expressions of that man’s unique psyche. Perhaps what we’re looking for is a world where some men are just able to say, “Oh, I find other men–or this kind of man–to be aesthetically satisfying in such and such a way” without any question of biology entering into it.

That, though, is not the world that we live in. And with good reason. If you’re a man who likes men, it entails considerably more complication in your life than if you like fat-bottomed girls. If you’re a straight man, the mechanisms of society can, with only mild adjustment, bring you some fat-bottomed girls. But if you’re a queer man, finding someone you can be with is a lot more complicated. 

To my mind, the essential queer problem is just to find someone who you’re romantically and sexually compatible with. And, in some ways, the framework of biological determination helps in that struggle, because it makes preferences much more concrete. If a straight guy has a race- or body-shape-based preference for the women he’ll be with, that’s seen as being a little more malleable: it’s possible he’ll go for someone who doesn’t quite fit it. For whatever reason, sex-based preferences are seen as less malleable. The percentage of men who’ll occasionally have sexual contact with another man (or would do so, if an attractive opportunity presented itself) is much higher than one would think…but most of those men would never countenance any kind of continuing romantic or sexual relationship with another man.*

Thus, it makes things a lot easier for both gay and straight people when the world is chopped up into: 1) gay people; and 2) people who don’t go in for all that queer stuff. For straight people, the idea of ‘normalcy’ is preserved: certain people have preferences that are different from the normal and that’s okay, but we are over here are still normal. And for gay people, the advantage comes from being able to segregate a significant percentage of the people who you could actually be with.

The problem, though, is the aforementioned existential angst.

Because, all jokes about gaydar aside, there is no test for being gay. On some level, identifying as gay is a choice. It’s not the same choice for everyone–for most gay people, identifying as straight would’ve been more difficult and/or entailed more psychic harm–but there was still a choice involved.

For me, the clarifying metaphor is alcoholism. I do think of myself as an alcoholic–someone who has some inborn biological difference that makes him incapable of drinking alcohol in a healthy and controlled fashion–but that’s a medical conclusion which I came to without the aid of a doctor. If I hadn’t assumed that identity, I’d be dead. But assuming it involved making a lot of conclusions that I am not really equipped, in terms of my scientific education, to make.

In our culture, we gloss over the huge liminal zones that are involved in these choices, by limiting our examples to cases where the conclusion is pretty clear. We take some kid who’s known he was gay since before he was really capable of experiencing sexual attraction or we take some guy who takes one sip of beer and then immediately drinks himself into homelessness and say, “Clearly there is something here that goes beyond the merely psychological.”

Which is true…for those people. But those examples don’t do much to help the majority of alcoholics and the majority of queer people.

For myself, I think I’d be very justified in saying that I wasn’t an alcoholic. I graduated college on time. I got a decent job. I was capable of having months when I abstained from drinking. I did not quit drinking at the peak of my drinking (which was in my senior year of college), but waited until a year and a half later, when it had tapered down considerably. I’ve known plenty of people who I’d have thought of as alcoholics who later tapered down their drinking to the point where it didn’t seem so imminently harmful and was more sustainable. It’s totally possible that I could’ve been one of them. The world offered me plenty of evidence that I wasn’t really an alcoholic.

Similarly, the world also offered  plenty of evidence that I wasn’t really queer. When I look back into my history now, I can see evidence of same-sex attraction, but until I was 22, I never really thought of myself as anything other than a straight person. I hadn’t had any sexual experiences with women (or of any kind), but I attributed that to shyness. I thought that there was something wrong with me, but I didn’t think I was queer, I just figured that I was hideous and shy and doomed to be forever alone. From ages 22 to 24, I started to think I might be queer, but it was certainly never a lightbulb moment. For one thing, I always felt some level of attraction to women. Being with men was intriguing to me, but it never felt natural. I never felt like I’d die if I could never be with a man. I am sure that if I lived in a less accepting time, I’d still identify as straight.

I came out as gay maybe a month before I quit drinking. Notice I say ‘before.’ It was a very drunken and confused coming-out. And for years I regretted it as precipitous. Sometimes I wonder about the tangle of cause-and-effect there. Maybe if I hadn’t been drunk when I conducted my comings-out, then I never would’ve done it. Or maybe if I hadn’t come out, I never would’ve quit drinking.

Anyway, over the first two years of my life as an out queer (which were also my first two years as a sober alcoholic), I didn’t really do much, and what I did do was extremely sporadic and tentative, and it felt like a strange dissimulation to be portraying myself to my friends and family as a gay man who’d figured his shit out when all I’d really done was put myself into the kind of situation where it might eventually be possible for me to figure things out.

I think this is a common problem for queer people. The straight people around you want you to be sure, but there’s no way to experience real queer life until you’re doing it. There’s no way to imagine what a same-sex relationship with a man might feel like until you’re having one, but there’s no way to do it until you begin to present yourself to the world as a queer  man.** It’s a catch-22 that can only be resolved by (to a certain extent) faking a degree of sureness that you don’t feel.

Anyway, this post ends with kind of a happy ending. In the last two years, I’ve become more confident and gone on dates and started seeing someone and all that silly stuff, and I’ve gotten to the point where I can admit all of the above without feeling like an imposter. But, at the same time…well, let me say that this post was inspired by this comic from kate or die.

And I will say that I really empathize with the woman in this comic. The temptation is to say that my story is that of a gay man who had an unusually long ‘questioning’ period. But I don’t feel that way at all. I don’t feel like I ever really became sure. I still feel like my queer life was something that I chose and something that I made happen, and, although it’s never occurred, I don’t feel like romantic or sexual contact with a woman is something that is out of the realms of possibility for me.*** I don’t know. I think that’s an unsatisfying story in many ways. It’s certainly unsatisfying for me. But sometimes that’s how life works.


*For instance, I think a not-uncommon narrative for queer youth is: queer boy likes straight boy; queer boy pines after straight boy; queer boy and straight boy get drunk; sexually-frustrated straight boy consents to some sexual experimentation; queer boy’s heart breaks when it is never repeated and/or never moves further than that.

**What I’m trying to get at here is that there’s a failure of the imagination. Some things might be sexually arousing to us or psychologically pleasing to us in the abstract, but the reality might not be what we want. Human beings are generally not very good at assessing what a future situation will actually make us feel like, we’re only good at assessing how thinking about that situation makes us feel now. For instance, I feel good when I think about going on a run, but when I actually go on a run, I feel miserable.

***On a sidenote, I believe something similar about my alcoholism. Nobody is going to want to hear this from me, but I do think there is a chance that I could go back to drinking and could keep it under control and drink moderately. However, I am definitely never going to do that. For me, the fun of drinking was always in being out of control. The appeal, to me, of a beer or a glass of wine at dinner is extremely minimal.

Comments (



  1. Becca

    There is a lot about this post that is extremely resonant with me! I have just sort of reached the point of choosing a life that is queer, and obviously I’m happy with the choices I’m making, but the scariest part about it is that in some way it feels like it’s closing doors or narrowing a future path — that once a label is applied, it becomes much more difficult to apply a different one in future. I guess as a writer it’s nice to know that words really DO have the magic power to affect reality. (In a way it’s kind of a shame neither of us were ready to think about or talk about this in college.)

    1. R. H. Kanakia

      I’m glad to know that you saw this. I thought of you while writing it =]

      Yes. College is also the one time when you can experience queer life without ‘choosing’ it.

      I do think we underestimate the degree to which it’s possible to change labels, if you have the courage. After all, the mayor of New York is married to a woman who used to identify as a lesbian, and she’s like…a major public figure. But, on the other hand, it would also be nice to not need the courage…

      1. Becca

        🙂 I’m glad you wrote it!

        I mean, you’re absolutely right; changing labels is totally possible. I think it feels harder than it often ends up being … And, I mean, it’s interesting — a friend of mine from a different context made another, quite similar blog post a month or two ago, and immediately a whole bunch of of people (who label themselves as quite different things) came out of the woodwork to say how much it resonated with them and how similarly ambiguous they felt in a lot of ways. I mean, obviously that’s a self-selected friends group, so it’s not a great or universal sample. But still, I think a lot more people feel a lot less concrete in the labels they publicly choose to apply than we’ll ever know.

        1. R. H. Kanakia

          Yeah, I think when choosing labels, I think alot of people are mostly thinking about how they want other people to behave. For instance, a woman who’s mostly interested in romantic relationships with women might do well to identify as lesbian, to avoid being seen as a dilettante and to discourage creepy behavior from men. But then, if she ever gets with a man, it comes off seeming like a complete about-face, when, really, her own conception of herself hasn’t changed much.

  2. segmation

    Points well made. This had to be hard to write. Thanks for sharing.

  3. holykneeshomeschoolacademy

    Thank you thank you thank you. I have been trying to say this very thing for 20 + years, you said it wonderfully. Far better than I could have.

    1. R. H. Kanakia

      Thanks! I’m glad it resonated with you!

  4. cupofkt

    Reblogged this on cup of kt.

  5. lmarks04

    I’m happy they find some sort of gene for homosexuality which would prove it’s not a choice. But conservatives would probably dismiss it anyway and continue to insist it is a choice.

    1. R. H. Kanakia

      Nowadays even lots of religious conservatives accept that homosexuality is a matter of biology. They’ve shifted to saying that it’s an inborn preference that people shouldn’t act on. It’s a weaker point of view, but I think too much evidence has piled up on the ‘not really a choice’ side.

  6. MySoulsRelief

    Very interesting perspective. As a bisexual woman I found so much made sense.

    1. R. H. Kanakia


  7. racheliscoolr33

    I’m bicurious…I prefer men, but I’m curious about women…I like to look at them sexually, but probably wouldn’t bother to touch. My preference means that I currently have a boyfriend and that’s what i lean toward biologically. I guess what’ I’m saying is I agree with most of what you said…it just makes sense.

    1. R. H. Kanakia

      Thanks. I am glad that this resonated.

  8. pinkagendist

    So you set yourself limitations (or embraced them), and then you were discontent with the limitations you set?
    I had relationships with girls, then later with boys. Sexuality is a spectrum, so this isn’t a real controversy.
    As for the nurture vs. nature debate, it’s a moot point. No one consciously controls the people they’re attracted to. It’s an organic process. I still haven’t met the man who told me they could control their erection- unless they’d had surgery and were using a pump…

    1. R. H. Kanakia

      Yeah…I, personally, have found it useful to state some kind of orientation. Life isn’t some party where you go out and chase down whoever your heart wants. If you’re queer, the heart can’t have most of the people that it might choose to want. The way to train it to want only the right people–the ones who might be receptive to your love–is to attune yourself to preferences that people state.

  9. architect of the jungle

    Wow! You are a brave guy to write this. Thanks for sharing your mind.

    1. R. H. Kanakia


  10. Nox

    Reblogged this on Contra Naturam and commented:
    Uma reflexão bem realista sobre o que significa a orientação sexual gay na vida de muitas pessoas: uma escolha com sabor de “será que podia ser diferente?”.

  11. booboojing

    I am only out to close friends and my family had accepted my decade long relationship.

    Some days I do feel like coming out, but I can’t deal with the repercussions. Standing at the crossroads once again and waiting for my partner to determine if we are destined to be together. Such are the prowess of love, regardless the gender.

    1. R. H. Kanakia

      Everyone has to choose what’s right for them. There are also so many different varieties of being out. For instance, I was taking some meetings at my old workplace (the World Bank) the other day and realized that I’m not out there. At this point, it would definitely be an awkward decision to start talking about my boyfriend or something. Just easier not to mention it. I think it’s totally fine to choose the easier path.

      1. booboojing

        Thanks for the reply and assurance.

        Sometimes it’s jus a momentarily decision and probably no one remembers thereafter.

        We are a lot less tolerant in Asia. My parents had accepted it but when I last had a fight with my brother, ‘gay’ came out. I refused to talk to him since August 2013 despite staying in the same household. Deeply hurt and unforgivable.

  12. ellehalo

    Reblogged this on he whose heart is song.

    1. R. H. Kanakia


  13. jkgreeneyes

    Reblogged this on jkgreeneyes.

  14. Liz Kibby

    I really liked this piece, and appreciate you putting into words a lot of what I and others have felt!

    There is so much pressure to choose a label, and pick a side I almost feel, that what should be a inner process experienced over time turns into a a scary precipice where there is no in between the safety of being straight and standing upright, to taking that fall into a new way of life, while also feeling there is no way to go back to that place of safety if it doesn’t work out.

    My hope is that as people become more open minded it won’t be a question of gay or straight, but rather a completely individual personal preference that isn’t so limited. Love is great, but the labels are not so much sometimes. Yet, like you say, it is harder to live as someone attracted to the same sex without openly identifying as gay/queer/bi etc.

    When we are all more sexually evolved, I guess. Cheers!

    1. R. H. Kanakia

      I feel like women are starting to redefine this process to some extent. I know lots of straight-identified women who’ve (openly) had same-sex experiences. Some of this is probably a bit weird, because the reason women have so much more freedom is because straight men are turned on by the thought of two women being together, but still, it’s alot healthier than the world of men, where there’s no room for any kind of open experimentation, and if straight people want to figure stuff out then they’re forced to keep their shit on the downlow.

      1. Liz Kibby

        I couldn’t agree more. Being a female gives one much more freedom to experiment with the same sex and be more socially accepted. You definitely have much more of the challenge where society comes in. But maybe men being more open to females being together is a way for them being able to make that shift to being okay with men together. Definitely baby steps and patience.

  15. onehalfsaint

    Hey, great narrative flow! I feel you here on so many things, (Like the silence/awkwardness around non-normative queer stories)

    especially “gaydar” ( http://onehalfsaint.wordpress.com/2014/02/04/on-gaydar/ )

    and the problem of being labeled by other people ( http://onehalfsaint.wordpress.com/2014/03/19/i-am-not-a-bear/ ).

    Anyway, awesome post!

    1. R. H. Kanakia

      Read your post on Gaydar. It is fabulous. I’m tweeting it. And it certainly resonated with me. I have awful gaydar (and have never really tripped anyone else’s gaydar). I mean, obviously some gay people do come off as gayer than others. But there are also plenty of straight-identified people who come off pretty gay.

  16. haridasgowra

    intersting and good writing…………….good post…….#wordpress!

  17. crunchyhanns

    Reblogged this on ME, MYSELF & I.

  18. tenaciousz

    Very well written. I consider myself an alcoholic, in the same sense as you. I cannot drink sensibly, therefore I now don’t drink at all. I drank ‘socially’ from the age of 12 upwards. Being able to drink in pubs from 14 upwards (I have massive boobs and as a kid this had it’s ‘advantages’) Coming to terms with the fact that I could no longer drink, was worse for me than coming out. I had the support I needed on that level, but for the drinking I didn’t admit there was a problem to anybody until I was 20.
    Neither is really a choice. I firmly believe there is a genetic reason, or even a chemical/hormonal imbalance that leaves you more prone to certain things than others. But I also believe sexuality is fluid. You fall in love with whoever you fall in love with and that is that.
    If straight people could accept that as freely as people who’ve had those experiences, the world would be a much safer, kinder place to live.
    Be proud.

    1. R. H. Kanakia

      Yes, labeling has its downsides, but I think that ‘alcoholic’ is an extremely valuable term. Without being able to say I was an ‘alcoholic,’ I don’t know if I’d be able to keep not drinking. It’s very helpful to just realize that what is fine for others is not fine for me.

      1. tenaciousz

        You do have a point. But it’s not so much the label, and the connotations and judgement that come with said label.

        1. R. H. Kanakia

          Yep, totally.

  19. essbee14

    Your honesty here is so refreshing – on both topics. I agree that there is a pressure to let others (and yourself) know what your orientation/”label” is, but the truth of it is that you might not know until you’ve experienced the life you’re imagining. Except you said it much more eloquently 🙂

    1. R. H. Kanakia

      Yes. Luckily, I think it’s easier than ever to change labels if you really want to.

  20. girlforgetful

    I’ve accepted the fluidity of my sexuality in my middle age, but it wasn’t always like that … or, perhaps it was but I missed the forest for the trees. I’m in a heterosexual marriage, but even that has not squashed the feeling that, given certain circumstances, having a relationship (even a marriage!) with a same-sex partner is not completely out of the realm of possibility. Perhaps, though, I am safe to imagine such a thing from behind the walls of my socially acceptable marriage that I have no intention of ending for any reason outside of abuse, neglect or abandonment. I suspect there will be no flipping of a switch to reveal an AHA! moment to me. I live with my fantasies in my chosen lifestyle and I wonder how much of it was by choice, and how much is driven by a biological imperative.

    1. R. H. Kanakia

      Wow, what a situation. It must actually be a pretty common one for bisexual-type people. I sometimes feel like it might be that way re: myself and women.

      1. girlforgetful

        I don’t consider myself bi-sexual, mainly because I don’t know if it’s accurate to say I like both genders, when a person could be genderless and still possess the qualities I desire in a mate, which almost makes me sound asexual or non-sexual but I’m not those either so … ok, let’s just say the labels confuse me and leave it at that.

  21. lolax3

    Reblogged this on lolax3.

  22. Capitalist in Progress

    As a Lesbian I find that this is very true. Not only does the world offer evidence against being non-heteronormative, it continues to set a mold for what is “homo-normative”. I found once I escaped hetero expectations I ran right into homo expectations.

    1. R. H. Kanakia

      Yes. And homo-normative expectations are enforced by straight people, too. That’s why I don’t like all the rhetoric about how this famous so-and-so is obviously gay and must be closeted. It’s not appropriate for one person to try to and determine what another person’s appropriate sexual expression should be.

      1. Capitalist in Progress


  23. cboswel1

    Reblogged this on revolutioninspire and commented:
    Great blog post!

  24. MissFit

    Interesting take! I always enjoy hearing about people deciding to regain control of their lives. Not an easy feat for a self-acclaimed lover of the “out -of-control” times.

  25. veryvavavegetarian

    Reblogged this on veryvavavegetarian's Blog and commented:
    So true.

  26. bankruptcybybodle

    Labels are words, tools we have created for our own ends. They are incredibly powerful tools (they help us form our very thoughts!) but ONLY tools: we may control them if we will; they control us only if we permit it.

    You, sir, have done an outstanding job of using those tools to address some of the limitations we face when we put too much faith in the tool. They can help us think, but they can’t do our thinking for us! Each of us still has the responsibility to make our own judgments and to act accordingly.

    Thank you for a thought-provoking essay.

    1. R. H. Kanakia

      Thanks for reading!

  27. omtatjuan

    You are a brave soul for such frankness.. It’s called MSM. Men who have sex with men.. You won’t find them at a gay bar or in a relationship.peace be unto us all..

    1. R. H. Kanakia

      No, you’ll find them on Craigslist.

  28. robinobishop

    After reading this with the comments, I’m seeing a great many making the decision to be gay and not feeling compelled to excuse themselves with the myth of a gay gene. My wife was persuaded that the persistence and unrelenting condition of her 60 year old chronic depression must be biological. This was in spite of the FACT that she was repeatedly raped by the males in her house as a child with her father eventually becoming a suicide. Yet it became enticing to give up the battle and embrace depression. It was in fact, a coming out for her…for a time. Then she took control again.

    Did you know that the structure of the brain is different for those who are same sex attracted. Did you know also that our behavior changes the structure of our brain?

    I was persuaded for a time by the argument that being gay had to be biological…after all, the argument went: who would want to be gay by choice….that was 20 years ago. Now people are ready to acknowledge that they want and choose to be gay because their new friends are. We are what we think about all day long, not because of who we are…..but because of what we THINK.

  29. reggie5609

    Reblogged this on ateenagedreamdotcom and commented:
    My thoughts and opinions transcribed onto paper…

    1. R. H. Kanakia

      Thanks! Glad it resonated with you!

  30. Cyrus Quick

    What a good thing there is no such thing as involuntary telepathy. Unhelpful revelations would occur more than helpful ones I fear.

  31. prayerwarriorpsychicnot

    Have you considered the possibility you might be asexual?

    1. R. H. Kanakia

      Nope. Pretty sure that’s not it.

      1. prayerwarriorpsychicnot

        Just a thought. All the best.

  32. sexisaneed

    Reblogged this on sexisaneed.

  33. karmu2

    Interesting and thoughtful, thanks.

  34. kingsofyouth

    Reblogged this on kingsofyouth.

  35. strangechild85

    Thanks for the introspection and for actually taking an interesting position. I get so exhausted by the whole “biology is destiny” paradigm so prevalent in this discourse. Through feminist studies, I’ve been told again and again how society and patriarchy have shaped my ideas on what is attractive (sexually and otherwise) in a woman, but to imagine that its influence ends there is just juvenile. Thanks for having the stomach to take a more complicated look at things.

    1. R. H. Kanakia

      That is an interesting juxtaposition. I wonder what feminist studies and queer studies have to say to each other in that way. It’d be interesting to look at the influence of these cultural forces on queer desire.

      1. strangechild85

        From what I understand, movements in feminist thought were the seeds that gave birth to much of the ideology of post-modernism. But even without out that, it’s amazing to me that, given the extraordinary catalogue of sexual desires found in just pornography alone (BDSM, hen-tai, bestiality, tentacle, incest, ect. ect. ect.) that people still imagine that sexual orientation can be painted with two colors.

        1. R. H. Kanakia

          Yeah, I agree. I guess people do admit to a spectrum of sexuality, but in some ways the spectrum doesn’t really help you, since it leaves you adrift. The fetish community might be a better model, since it includes hundreds of discrete identities that all help people find compatible partners.

  36. mommyx4boys

    Congratulations on your sobriety, i am also a recovering alcoholic and i have been clean and sober for 2 years and 8 months

    1. R. H. Kanakia

      Congrats! That’s a long time.

  37. awildsouloflife

    What advice would you give someone who is gay and still in the closet to really homophobic parents who have even called being gay disgusting and wrong p.s. I loved your blog post you did a good job with it

    1. R. H. Kanakia

      Wow, that is a really tough one. First of all, most of my gay friends who’ve had parents who were somewhat homophobic have, eventually, reconciled with them. So don’t think that your being gay is going to mean that your parents will hate you forever or entirely destroy your relationship with them, because there is a good chance that won’t happen. Sometimes it takes years, but eventually parents realize that the homosexuality is an established fact and they get used to it and learn more about it and realize it’s not so bad. Often when parents think about homosexuals, they think about thing about it that disgusts them the most, some kind of dungeon-dwelling guy who’s always wearing assless chaps and getting into orgies (not that there’s anything wrong with that). But when they discover that being a homosexual actually doesn’t change you (because you already are one), then they become more resigned to it.

      Secondly, sometimes your parents surprise you. They might be homophobic in the abstract, but not be as terrible when they discover that it’s actually their son–a person who they already love–who they’re dealing with, it turns out to not be that big a deal.

      Thirdly, you do have to prepare yourself for some terribleness. What this means is that you need to make sure that they can’t hurt you and find a way to deal with them as equals. For most people, this means waiting until you’re not living in their house and not relying on their money anymore. I don’t know if you’re still at home (I assume you are, but that could be totally wrong). If you are, then hold off on telling them, if you can, until you have a job and some friends and a place of your own. These things tend to escalate much more if you tell them and then they immediately need to give you money, feed you, etc.

      This doesn’t mean that you need to stay closeted to everyone, though. Not sure how closeted you are, but it’s possible to be pretty out and still not have your parents know. For lots of gay people, this happens in college. You can date and go out for years and not have them know. If you’re still in high school, it’s very difficult to be out in any significant way without them finding out. However, you could still tell a few very close friends–people you trust not to let the news spread. Sometimes it’s good to let someone know, just so you’re not hiding all the time.

      Other than that, I don’t know. Be careful. Try to find any gay resources in your area: youth organizations or LGBT centers or whatnot. If nothing else, there are hotlines you can call: people who are trained in how to counsel people like you. A bit of casual googling brought up this one: http://www.glbtnationalhelpcenter.org/hotline/

      Anyway, that’s what I have. I hope this helps. If you want to talk further, my email is on the main page of this blog, in the lefthand sidebar.

      1. awildsouloflife

        Ok thank you so much 🙂

      2. awildsouloflife

        But things is I have honestly always known that I was gay even when I was little kid I just never knew what it meant you know, and I have heard so many coming out stories including yours that were so inspirational but I just feel like my parents wouldn’t want absolutely anything to do with me after I tell them for example I was watching like this movie Fred on Nick like years ago and my mother assumed it had something to do with homosexuality and then out of no where she crying in my face saying how she hopes I’m not gay and how terrible it would be if I was and I love my mom but as she was talking I just didn’t care because I’m not going to be something that I’m not, I’m genuinely proud to be gay and I don’t feel that her and anyone else will change that. But my main concern is that when I get married and have a husband one day and we have kids I won’t them to have grandparents and form a relationship with them and I truly feel if my parents never change the way they think that I will never see them again but if ever comes to that I guess I would accept it right

        1. R. H. Kanakia

          I’m not gonna lie, it does happen: people do become permanently estranged from their parents. But I also think that’s a worst-case scenario. Life is very long. You won’t have kids until, what, fifteen or twenty years from now? That’s a very, very long time. And over those years, the world is only going to become more tolerant and accepting. And it’s going to become less and less acceptable for a parent to disown their child over this. I don’t know. Don’t underestimate the power of time.

          1. awildsouloflife

            Your completely right, and I also just have one one more question

          2. awildsouloflife

            So there’s this guy that I like that I think I may even love and I really am having a hard time telling if he is gay or not, and so if you were in my position would leave things alone and for get about him or confess your feelings and wait for is reply which would give me the answer I’m looking for without being rude

            1. R. H. Kanakia

              Generally speaking, I’ve found that love makes us blind to the truth. It makes us notice tiny little things that might mean the person likes us and it makes us ignore the mountain of evidence that they don’t. I’ve often found that most of the time when you think someone likes you, they don’t. And most of the time when you think an ostensibly-straight guy is gay, they aren’t. That being said, I am hugely in favor of telling someone you like them if you actually like them and there is even a chance of it happening. Why keep yourself in suspense?

              However, in your case it seems a bit complicated because does he even know you’re gay? And if he finds out you are gay and turns out to be straight himself, would he keep your secret? Probably best to tell him you’re gay first and see how he reacts. If you tell him you’re gay and he doesn’t come out to you, then that’d be solid evidence that he’s straight. After you tell him you’re gay, then maybe wait a bit before telling him you like him…

              1. awildsouloflife

                Your completely right so today I told him but I got no response all day so I think that answers my question btw thanks for all your advice it means a lot and hey maybe we can work together on a blog sometimes

                1. R. H. Kanakia

                  Haha, sure. That could be fun. And I am glad that it didn’t go terribly with him. I know it sucks to not have things work out, but if it didn’t work out because they’re straight, well, then, that’s the easiest kind of rejection.

                2. awildsouloflife

                  Haha your so right and you know to be honest with you when I first added him on Facebook I kind of already knew that we weren’t going to be what I hoped for I just wanted to see if there was anything there you know, but like when we had been talking for about a week and I was trying to see if he was actually gay or not by asking if he had anyone special in his life and he said there was like one girl that he felt was like his true love and I’ll be honest I was pretty disappointed but I got over it like within a day and realized that it just wasn’t meant be and I could just move on and find someone who is right for me

                3. awildsouloflife

                  P.s. I really want thank you for your concern and advice it really means a lot

                4. R. H. Kanakia

                  You’re welcome! It’s been wonderful to talk with you!

                5. awildsouloflife

                  Haha 🙂 thanks

                6. awildsouloflife

                  Hey so I was looking at your past blogs and I saw that you were working on a book that’s amazing so what’s it about

                7. R. H. Kanakia

                  I’ve been working on a few books. The one that’s hopefully going to go out on submission soon is a young adult novel about a very uptight Indian-American girl–the valedictorian of her high school–who decides to go out and make friends and become more free-spirited and get a boyfriend, but then her school discovers that she’s plagiarized some assignments and takes away her valedictorian spot, and she gets so angry that she decides to sue the school. So, on the one hand, she’s trying to act all carefree, but, on the other hand, she’s also scheming and stabbing backs and threatening teachers and stuff like that.

                8. awildsouloflife

                  I would so read a book like that, so would you ever consider making it into a tv series it could almost be like another gossip girl p.s. so when you do release your book it would it maybe be possible for me to get an autographed copy

                9. R. H. Kanakia

                  Haha, even if it sold today, the book wouldn’t come out for another two years. But sure, if you were interested at that point, I’d sign your copy. Making a TV series is also pretty out of my control, but if Hollywood comes knocking, I wouldn’t say no…

                10. awildsouloflife

                  Of course I’d be interested, and if we are going to continue talking you should I know that i always love a good book with a scandal :), and I believe your book can go far there’s a lot of potential and if you want I could mention it on my blog also a lot people read it and it can let everyone know to look out for it

                11. R. H. Kanakia

                  Haha, sure, but I’m not sure it’d do me much good right now, since there’s nothing to buy. Maybe if it sells, and I have a release date? I’ll let you know. If it sells, it’ll probably be in the next six months.

                12. awildsouloflife

                  Omg that’s awesome, and I meant like when it came out I would post about it on my blog so the picture of the cover could be shown to, but I’m kind of curious about something how do you find your inspiration to create new stories all the time

                13. R. H. Kanakia

                  It’s difficult at first, but eventually you just get used to doing it. You learn what sort of things give you ideas and what kinds of ideas are worth pursuing.

                14. awildsouloflife

                  That’s interesting thanks that’s actually the answer I was looking for

              2. awildsouloflife

                Hey so he replied and you he was pretty cool about it like no judgement what’s so ever though I didn’t say I had crush on him he was said like how I shouldn’t allow anyone to make of me which of course I wouldn’t allow but it was really cool

  38. muggleinconverse

    I’m not alone! Thank you for this. I’ve tried to describe myself as heteroflexible or bicurious or a half dozen other terms, but my lack of experience negates all efforts. Life is grey and so is sexuality. Thank you. 🙂

    1. R. H. Kanakia

      Yep! It’s okay, though. You can change over time as you gain more experience =]

      I’m glad that this resonated w/ you.

  39. sallyember

    Thanks for sharing. Your struggles sound difficult but you articulate them well. Must help a little? For me, as a life-long bi woman, my issues are more about being a misantrope and disliking intensely being around people who drink or who do a lot of drugs. Basically, I find most people unattractive, tedious, unintelligent, unappealing, male or female. It took me a long time to admit that the “answer,” especially for me as a feminist, wasn’t to go from having male partners to being with females. Relationship issues abound; same-sex relationships have almost all the same problems and joys as opposite sex relationships in my experience (and I have had several dozen with men and over a half dozen with women). Being bi means I do not emotionally, biologically or sexually restrict my choices to just one gender, which makes me an equal-opportunity misanthrope. Yippee. Not in any way is this easier. Therefore, at almost 60, I might be “done”; I’ve been mostly single for the last 13 years. Lessons learned? My chooser is broken.

    1. R. H. Kanakia

      Well…you sound like you’ve figured something out about yourself anyway. And people end up alone in their old age for a variety of reasons. It sounds like you’ve had a varied life that was full of a lot of love.

  40. msxbri

    Good post 🙂

  41. emmx2013

    I appreciate your description of indecision and choice. It reaffirms what seems to be a wide range of sexuality.
    Here’s to Your Health!

  42. rly1987

    Nothing wrong with choosing to be gay in my opinion.

  43. Amlakyaran

    very nice post… thanks

  44. omphe

    Reblogged this on Omphe's Blog.

  45. awildsouloflife

    Reblogged this on awildsouloflife and commented:
    This is such an interesting post

  46. literallytabitha

    I feel the same way.